All of Me There

I'm the type of person that can find absolute happiness in being alone. When other people are around me I feel this pressure, although almost unnoticeable, that I don't even recognize I'm feeling until everyone has left. It can be 10 people or it can be one, regardless of quantity the pressure is always there. As if another being requires some of your energy, some of your attention and consideration just by being there. There used to be a time when the pressure would lift, and I felt alone, uncomfortable without the weight of someone's presence. Brazil no doubt has taught me that being alone is something so rewarding when you can feel safe without the weight, when you stretch your arms and give your thoughts all the room to expand. While we've all gained families and friends and entire communities in these 7 months, a lot of us gained a bit of ourselves too. I believe I gained more than a bit. Through solving problems on my own and translating imaginary conversations, I've gained a weight that replaces the comforting pressure people bring. I've added to myself, to my personality and mind and 10 literal lbs to my body, and I can only imagine that being comfortable alone is the result of having enough of yourself. So I've learned now how to hold onto me. To learn to give and take and trade the bad parts for good but not to let too much bleed out into something not worth it. It's a simple life lesson but I think it will take me far, much farther than Brazil or any distance I could travel. And all of me will be there when I go.