Unproductive, the feeling of not being able to yield favorable or useful results.
Back home in California, I would consider myself to have a fast paced life. Always having something to do or somewhere to be. Living in a fast paced life allowed me to feel useful and productive. It allowed me to feel accomplished and good about myself when a task is completed. Reflecting back, the idea of “feelings” and “inner thoughts” felt so abstract to me. Because there was always something to do, I never had the opportunity to just sit down and think about what I was actually doing, always moving onto the next task at hand.
Being in Brazil, my lifestyle has totally shifted. Yes, I work four hours a day, five days a week. But then…what do I do with the other twenty hours? When I heard about the “down time” during Fall Training, in my mind I was thinking, “PSSHH that I would never be me, I am going to be so productive every day and will make the best of this experience.” Yes, there were so many things that I wanted to do, but when I actually got here, I became fearful. The language scared me. The people here are not the same people that I comfortable with a home. The culture norms are different. I was scared of being judged because I am different.
My fears lead me to feel unproductive. I wasn’t doing anything in my free time and it definitely bothered me. There were times where I definitely questioned in why I was feeling this way, but ended up just putting my earphones on and let the emotions fade away. This was different for me, I have never felt an internally conflicted so it felt so uncomfortable to fight this battle.
My attempt to avoid this problem led me to Macacu, Garopaba. I wanted to just go away and maybe this new place would be something totally different for me and allow me to find what I was looking me. In Macacu, there were no internet, no phone signal, and no away of avoiding my feelings. Once the earphones where able to come out, I was able to reflect on my time in Joinville and why I was feeling scared to carry out all of my plans. The things I realized were…
- I wanted to join a dance class, but I didn’t want to slow down the class because of my weak Portuguese skills.
- I wanted to go out and explore but somehow felt that my host parents wanted me to be home.
- I wanted to try new food, but not sure if I would like it or how to even place the order.
- and many more
In the end, I realized that I SHOULD JUST DO IT. I have been blessed with an amazing opportunity to be here and no way am I going to let me fears get in the way.
The moral of this blog is “Don’t let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game.” (A Cinderella Story). Be on the lookout for my next blog, when I make my plans a reality.
