I didn´t know where to place
you in my family tree.
I didn´t know why you acted
like my mum and how you became my closest friend.
I didn´t know how we
encountered ourselves within the cultural gap.
I didn´t know why you can read my eyes so easily.
I didn´t know why you
decided to trust me.
All I know is that I will
miss you, Fatou Gueye.
I wasn´t told I would have
kids at my house.
I wasn´t told how empathetic
they were.
I wasn´t told I was gonna be the
actual kid with no words to say.
I wasn´t told babies would
be my firsts best friends.
I wasn´t told you were gonna
hug me every day.
I wasn´t told I would countdown
the hours when you head to school.
I wasn´t told I needed you
to live here.
I wasn´t told we will
probably cry in April.
I wasn´t told you were gonna
make me feel like your real sister, Oumou, and Yhouka.
I won´t forget the first time
you talked to me, I thought you were mean.
I won´t forget how excited
and worried I was when you gave birth.
I won´t forget every little
gesture and joke you have shared with me.
I won't forget the amount
of times you hosted me.
I won´t forget myself from
smiling every time you call your daughter "Lola Ndiaye".
I won´t forget what you mean
to me.
I won´t forget to wait till
you have WhatsApp.
I won´t forget who you are,
Awa Sam.
I thought you were beautiful
the first time I saw you.
I thought you were really
nice for helping me improve my Wolof.
I thought I hated life when I
saw you cooking and cleaning. When they didn´t let you keep studying.
I thought you were really
cool when you said you don´t want to get married. When you talked about your
dreams, about continuing studying and hopefully going to university.
I thought I wished I was
fluent in Wolof so we could better talked about society.
I thought and keep thinking
that I admire you, Antakya
I was confused when you
accompanied me to my first Wolof class, I didn´t know your name or who you
were.
I was confused every time you
smiled because I didn´t think I deserved it.
I was confused when your
presence became essential.
I was confused about the first the time you gave me a hug.
I was confused when I demanded
one.
I was confused when I
realized I wished I could bring you home, Banna.
I was mad when you first
came to my house.
I was mad when you just said
"Toubab".
I was mad when you told me
you were 16.
I was mad that you started
working at my house.
I was mad that you had to
stopped studying.
I was mad that I started to
like you.
I was mad when your music
was better than mine.
I was mad when you were gone
for a while.
I was mad that I missed you.
I was mad that someone joked
about you having a fiancee.
I was mad when Fatou told me
you were getting married.
I was mad when you ignored
my questions.
I was mad when you stopped
talking to me.
I was mad at myself for
reacting like that.
I was mad at society when I
saw you shaking.
I was mad at society when we
hide in your room, when I saw you in that beautiful white dress.
I was mad when you wanted to
cry, when you confessed crying alone.
I am mad because I haven´t
seen you since, Yama.
I didn´t know Fatou Bintou
for a while.
I wasn´t told what to expect
from her.
I won´t forget who she was
these months.
I thought I hated her.
I was confused when she got
lost.
I was mad she didn´t like me
back.
I now know she is part of me.
I need to embrace, to fix
and empower her.
For a greater co-existance, Fatou Bintou Ndiaye.
To all the names I will
never forget,
forever grateful.
F.B.
