I am nervous.
That part is for sure. That is one of the only things I am certain of at this point.
I am nervous because I know that once I leave, I will never be the same person I was. I will never feel the exact same ways I did at home, in my small hometown, in my shockingly blue room, with my family. Because once I leave, a part of me will be left home. And once I come home, a part of me will be left in India. I will leave pieces of my heart everywhere I go, and in exchange for the growth I will encounter, I will never again feel so completely whole as I do now.
Of course, that's part of the reason I applied for Global Citizen year. That's part of the reason I decided to defer from college; part of the reason I decided to embark on a 22-hour flight to a new country with new people, new languages, and a new culture.
I'm excited for parts of myself to shatter as new parts of me grow through them. I will outgrow myself. My feeling of completeness now is married to the parts of myself that are ignorant, small, unaware. I feel complete because I know not yet the greatness of the world. All I know is that the world is complicated and so am I. This year I will begin to see the complexities, within and without, even if they don't make sense or fit like puzzle pieces in my mind.
All I can hope for; all I can strive to do is to meet every experience with a heart open and willing to listen, to be present, to love my self and others, and to breathe.
I don't know how to measure growth, or happiness, or success. Maybe someday I will. Maybe someday I won't need to.
For now, I am taking the first steps.
